My strongest enemy

The strongest enemy I can ever face is the doubt within me. Such an enemy knows my fears and weakness. It would exploit the smallest crack, a sliver of doubt can become the heaviest weight. And it is strongest when I have reached solid perceptions about my relationship with reality. It is when I have built up such logical-inter locking ideas that doubt can slip in the easiest.

In the dark it is a whisper "what if you are wrong?" And for a moment, a brief flash inside my head, everything is a mistake. Every rule upon which I have based my interactions with the world, every value and principle I have weighed against my own unerstanding of the truth, is simply all mistaken. But then I must blink away such thoughts, for if not then all the hard work towards the formation of an agreeable self using my logic, my thoughts, my ability to reason is all based on the wrong perceptions. What if any human found out his ability to percieve has been twisted, that who he is is simply having the wrong notion of the truth? What would I do? Would death be a better choice than to face the fact that the build-up of your character is a joke? That is a powerful question.

But I think the treasure here is the very ability to doubt my own thinking process. It brings up questions that would otherwise remain buried. Questions that usually could not be asked. I think this is what is meant by "fighting yourself." Just like in swordsmanship, in that I can only reach a certain level before I must seek out stronger, more knowledgeable opponents if I wish to surpass my own innate ability (my own ability to judge and evaluate my skill).

Comprehension and basics

Always am I seeking to be better, aways to be the best. I betray myself if I do not seek improvement. I cannot imagine, as a teeneage, why I did not see the seriousness of focus or dedication. It is my responsibility to myself to ask how I can improve. I have only to look at my first attempts. Such static, blocky movements! But that was the devolpment of my mind at the time. I could not comprehend fitting together 2 or 3 forms of the body nor controlling the motion of seperate muscles. If I truly believe that there is no seperationbetween mind and body then I must treat each as important as the other. i must think more on this and how I can train such a tool as the brain-I mean how do I strengthen intelligence, increase the speed of synapses or sharpen the point of clarity? I think the answer lies in my ability for imagination. The ability to create out of nothing such ideas to test my perception, to test the definition of my world. Again, again I have come back to the sword, for like physically where I must eliminate such useless movements that would trip me up, mentally I must do the same.

Analytical, logical, reason, inductive, fanciful, playful, unusual, linear, random-what kind of thinking is best? I think analytical, interpretive thinking is best for predicting and judging an opponents movement. But this should only apply in preparation and training. Its hard to describe but I think duality fits the best role. Here I should be all encompassing: taking into account all factors that I can, but on the other hand it is not my focus to try and understand all these factors and then act. As I said before that is work I should do before hand. Rather the duality is that there should be no seperation in thinking between myself and those factors; swords, bodies, terrain, sound etc. Even when training it is hard to achieve this kind of mind set. But it occurs to me truthfully, what difference is there in mental activity between sword fighting and sitting or walking around the city or even at work engaged in some projects? It comes down to the balance of when and how to act.

Early morning thoughts

Its quiet here, as if there`s an agreed noise level that everybody keeps. I find myself fitting into some of the community habits, feeling out the routine of this area of the city. But it is still hard to relate to the people living around me. But did I feel closer to those back home so long ago? No, I find that the environment of a place screams at me more than a person. I guess back home I found the layout, structure and style of the town familiar. I could anticipate the scenery I would see. I remember whenver I would drive, walk or run somewhere, I woul seek out new ways, undiscovered pathways between point A and B. Here, even more so, for every direction is unknown. I learned from lots of hiking experience to orientate myself on landmarks. In the forest this meant noticing different shapes, classifying logs, rocks and streams, colors of moss or the quality of light because it indicated the density of the surrounding folliage. Here, in the city, it is easier. Signs, street damage, odd parks, family names, public artwork etc. With these visual clues it is easier to place in my mind a quick access map of any detail.

Again, my thinking parallels swordsmanship. A constant question: does the sword reflect upon everything it touches or perphaps does the development of character, of self influence the sword? It can only be both. Like above I seek to know the completness of a motion. one cut- perfection comes from knowing what is incorrect. If a specific angle of a cut feels right, why? Why are the other 44 degrees wrong? What other purpose might those angles serve? Might one be good for parrying and another just for slicing? These are questions I must ask to pare away those uncertainties that could lead to hesitation.

The Perfect Cut (after training session)

The perfect cut is the only cut. This expresses the motion I am searching for. That any cut made with the sword is the exact cut needed. This applies to the moving of my body. Footwork, stomache muscles, shoulder rotation, finger pressure, there is only one motion that is right. This not only means the cut, the technique should fit the role, but also that I should not have any regrets as to the cut I used. Hesitation is a sign that I am unsure or dissatisfied with a movement. Often, after a series of cuts I notice that the transition of muscles or weight on the feet was wrong. This, I think, is my body telling me unconsiously that there is a better cut, a more efficient way to move. I can only guess that this sensitivity comes from constant awareness of every point within your ability.

Behind the perfect cut is true balance. Some moments in training and outside I see beyond balance. It seems to be truly understanding gravity and the feeling of it effecting my body. When riding the bus I can feel the pressure and release as we turn corners. When doing handstands I can feel the slight shift in pull on my feet. The best unity of balance I`ve had is when I seem to let my muscles adjust to the different positions rather than let my brain judge how they should move. Even when I am practicing on the ball of one foot or on one hand, the beat of my heart is enough to disrupt balance. So even an awareness of the beating of my heart and the flow of my blood is needed. How can I improve in that aspect?

At night, on a pinnacle of rock

The blazing lights below blur together, to my tired eyes they looked like raw energy connecting sections of city together. When I unfocus just enough I see the true relation of a city, the flowing of data through, around and directly to the heart of each point. Here, so high above and surrounded by open air I feel appreciation and respect for the builders of these places. Immediately it is crushed by despair at the thought of living again in a city after being so free in the country. Down there lies the future, the shaper of my thoughts to come, a city of interactions and ideas. Down the trail, over the rocks, past the rice fields is the past; the constructions of human thinkers, clues in designs that point to reasoning and logic of the founders.

And here I am. In a different culture. Up in the mountiains in the night, in a different country. This is an oppurtunity that I must take. In the country I had the ideal freedom, i explored my thoughts and technique with no constraints. Where they were built not in competition with the land but in an agreement. Homes were ordered, nights were quiet, mountains were as high as the sky. And I resonate with any landscape I live in, and it was the same there. But it was lacking, I challenged myself, pushed my own limits. I`ve seen the limitations in such living. And so here I am, in the city to expose those limitations, to find those emotions uncovered by interaction with the pulse of humanity.

Its lonely on nights like these. No one to share in these incredible views. But at least I have seen them tonight. I must rember the feeling of being on top of mountains, of camping deep in the forest as the sun is setting, of the rustling of trees being the only sound, of walking up a mountain canyon through grass and feeling as the only human in the world. These are already inside, I wonder how they will evolve in contrast with the industrial, the mechanical, the designed? Well these are thoughts for another day, I still have to make the climb back down through the trees and the moon is not so strong. And tommorrow is my first job.