In the eye of the storm

I wrote this after returning from the country into one of the larger metropolises in the area. This journal entry is as close to expressing the actual emotion I felt as any I`ve written so far. I feel it is wordy but I was searching, searching for the right words.

-It seems even stranger this night. The world more confusing than ever, sights and sounds harry me beyond belief. What will it be like a month or more after living in the heart of it? Yet the city is an integral part of humanity. Here, in the belly of this culture must lie some source, a nugget of outflowing inspiration, outflowing influence. I would like to try and recognize it. Maybe there are others like me, searching in the shadow, in the garbage for that singular rarity, that bright awe-inspiring nugget of enlightenment. I imagine there are others, perhaps 1 or 2 people who are hiding in this biological, pulsing entity. Testing, pushing the limits of this nations web. Spreading knowledge of a world a hair-breadths from this one. I looked for those areas, these people that are sources, but I failed in that aspect. Maybe again the answer lies not in the vast natural landscape of the rural areas, where one`s mind is free to roam at will. Maybe it lies at the opposite end of the spectrum. In places where its hardest to express freedom, hardest to see the true ideal of thought. I must admit it makes logical sense. If I wanted to challenge myself, really push, its hard to do it through thought alone. If I could put myself in place to receive intense pressure, intense contradictions, then shouldn`t I do that? But in a way it sounds like Im trying to find some way to rationalize my acceptance of moving to the city.

What this means is when I`m standing in the dark, looking out over a strange landscape and a stranger future I will have to make a decision. Those solutions depend upon a reality only I can judge. Ultimately my judgement is the only safeguard to sanity. That makes my biggest enemy doubt. What if Im wrong, what if Im making the wrong choices, what if Im deluded about what I think reality is? Those are doubts that can destroy a person, destroy his trust-his confidence in his ability to exist and perceive. To go so far down one road and find that its a dead end, that its just a deer trail. That can make one give up on life, give up on the dreams he thought were precious, that were his guiding principles. That is why it takes a strong will to dip into the pool of doubt every once-in-a-while. If I don`t evaluate my beliefs, my convictions then how can I go any further. To test them is to make them stronger. To find the fallacy in my beliefs and correct it, is that not the definition of self-improvement? But the pool is deep, the current strong and the waters very inviting. One must be prepared and be willing to fight even as you strip yourself bare and fight your own identity. This is what it means by the expression "Before you can understand others you must understand yourself."